How to Get a Guy to Commit

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There is a big myth out there that hurts the understandings between the sexes; the myth that women want to marry and men want to avoid it at all costs. There are just as many men who want to settle down with women as there are women who want to settle down with men.

Men are just more blunt about being specific about who, whereas women say 'yes' to one man and 'let's just be friends' to the rest. No friendship ever started out by saying 'let's just be friends'.

So, we have (or hope we have) a situation where you're in a relationship with a guy who appears like he might at least consider spending some serious life-time with you. Understand that if he isn't, there's very little you can do to change his mind. He knows what he's supposed to do; it's been beaten into his head since the day he was born. I assure you, he has given it some thought, regardless if he has never spoken about it.

There's three answers you can get if you bring up the subject of commitment: yes, no, and later. "Yes" is the point where your worries are over; no guy says 'yes' unless he means it with a vengeance. 'No' will be in the form of something that sounds very much like plain 'no': "I'm not sure we're right for each other.", "I'm not the commitment type.", "I don't deserve you." or other such straight turn-down. It's probably best to quietly end things neatly and firmly right there. Leave with the same dignity you arrived with.

It's the "later" responses that drive you crazy. That will usually be "After I get my career.", "Let's finish college first.", "Give me time to think about it.", "We're too broke to start a family." and so on. Understand that these are real concerns for the man. In the entire industrialized world and most of the rest of it, starting a marriage is a greater burden on the man than on the woman. Women can get a divorce and have the man paying them child support and alimony practically by snapping their fingers. Men are obligated where women are not. So try to be understanding of him, since what he's doing isn't debating whether he loves you or not. He is weighing the consequences of marrying anybody at all.

What can you do? You can treat your situation like the unique circumstance it always is and adapt accordingly. This is a good time to show him that you're a good life partner.

Say it out loud, write it down, tape it to your mirror: "life partner". Co-operative, a companion, a "team mate", someone who will work with the man and not against him. Be understanding of his problems and do what you can to help him with them. But beyond that, there also comes a time when you can wait no longer, and you want to move on. He knows that, he knew it from the first place. He cannot claim to be surprised if he keeps you waiting until you give up and move on.

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